Category Archives: News

Costa lot

Gennaro Pelliccia’s tongue is worth £10m ($13.95m). That’s a lot of money for a tongue. It’s a lot of money for a body. Heck it’s a lot of money for a whole neighbourhood.

He’s the chief taster at Costa coffee and so his wriggling muscle has been insured by Lloyds of London for a huge salivating amount.
I wonder if the small print in the insurance policy has restrictions on usage similar to car insurance where you can’t off road etc.
Clauses like no tongue piercing, no overly aggressive French kissing, no sticking out of tongue at friends or colleagues, no licking of frozen metal. Why you would want to do the last one is beyond me but some people seem to be fascinated with doing it.

I imagine this tongue has a great responsibility for ensuring the coffee is a good as it possibly could be. There’s a lot tasting on this tongue. The most expensive tongue there has ever bean.

I just hope the tongue hasn’t had a curry the night before.

No kissing please, I don't want to lose my no-claims bonus!

No kissing please, I don't want to lose my no-claims bonus!

Right Said Fred

Right Said Fred

Right said Fred it’s time to put me skates on
Pack my bags and catch n’ early flight,
But as I tried to shift it, couldn’t even lift it,
I was gettin’ nowhere at all,
So I had a cuppa mo.

Well right said Fred of course I know the reason
It was pure and simple, the bags was full o’ cash,
‘Cos I don’t trust a transfer, I’m an ex-banker,
But I’m goin’ nowhere at all,
So I had a cuppa mo.

Right said Fred I know you’ve all been saying
It’s a bad thing I ought to give it back,
But it’s my bonus and the flippin’ onus,
They’re gettin’ nuthin’ at all.

And I’m not a ruddy poet,
So I had a cuppa moet,
And unplugged the ‘phone.

(Sung to the tune of the fantastic song ‘Right said Fred ‘ released by Bernard Cribbins in 1962.
Original lyrics by Myles Rudge, Music by Ted Dicks. With apologies.)



University Challenging

I really enjoyed watching ‘University Challenge’ this year. This comes as something of a shock to me because in the past I’ve loathed the programme with a vengeance.

I only needed to hear the theme music and like Pavlov’s dogs I would react; knuckles going white, snarl coming from lips, vein throbbing in forehead. You get the picture.

So when I happened to fall upon the programme by chance, halfway through the present series, I didn’t expect too much but lo’ and behold I found myself hooked. I’d spend a happy half hour vainly making attempts at providing answers but mostly I spent my time just trying to understand the questions.

The final was great, far more worthy than any sporting event, so imagine the disappointment when I discovered today that the winning team had been disqualified.

And the reason?

‘… students taking part must be registered at their university or college for the duration of the recording of the series.’

Apparently Corpus Christie College, Oxford had a team member who when the final was filmed was not a student anymore but working for PWC (Price Waterhouse Coopers.)

Duh!

I’m not the sharpest tool in the box but I can read a set of rules. A team consisting of some of the finest young minds in the country hadn’t noticed that one of their fellows was now working (surely they must have missed him at the student union bar) and that fact might cause a bit of a problem.

It’s strangely, reassuringly comforting that these people whose bedtime reading probably consists of Advanced Nuclear Physics or Ancient Latin Verbs and Conjugations had failed to cast a little eye on the rules as they steamrollered their way through the heats and semi-finals.

So in the great tradition of U.C. your starter for 10.

“Has anyone read the rules?”

“Nah!”

Bong!

Sources: The Guardian;      BBC

Blind Spots: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things

                Blind Spots: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things

The Mathematics of Truth

It’s now become clear that the government knew about, but repeatedly denied knowing about, the transport of prisoners from one country to another for interrogation in countries where torture is not illegal. A practice known as ‘extraordinary rendition‘. If it wasn’t such an appalling definition it would be quite funny. It sounds like some sort of overdone amateur dramatics.

The action itself, apart being from morally wrong could also be unlawful under the 1949 Geneva convention on protecting civilians in times of war which prohibits deportations of individuals to any other country.

The case in point was when Iraqi prisoners were held by UK forces, handed over to US forces who transferred them to Afghanistan in 2004 where they remain to this day.

John Hutton described the catalogue of events as receiving and relaying ‘inaccurate’ information.

Lying basically.

It reminds me of my school maths lessons where if you multiply two negatives you get a positive.

Perhaps they are adopting the same approach to the way they present their information.
If you combine more than one lie you get a truth.

I bet we wish that we could all do that.

They always say the first casualty of war is the truth. It seems like the first action of Government these days is not to tell the truth at all.

Or to wait 5 years and then tell it.

Sources: BBC, The Guardian.

Nasa’s early bonfire party

Failure is Not an Option - but it is a distinct possibility

Failure is Not an Option - but it is a distinct possibility

Bonfire night has come 8 months early courtesy of NASA.

Apparently they lit the blue touch paper, stood well back and let off a huge firework. Not the kind that you can usually pick up at the corner newsagent I might add, probably one you have to get mail order.

This mother of all whizz bangs which cost $270m (£190m) had a fantastic flight. It impressed everyone who proudly waved their sparklers at it and then off it went and crashed into the sea near Antarctica.

Personally I think this is a tad excessive. I think it’s great making a firework show for people to enjoy and of course if you’re the US then it has to be the biggest but I feel they have gone a bit too far this time. Do you have to have a firework that goes halfway round the globe?

If this is their idea of Guy Fawkes night I’m just wondering what they have in mind when the potatoes go in the fire.

But it appears it was not a large firework at all but Nasa’s first dedicated mission to measure carbon dioxide from space.

Oh dear.

NASA called the disaster a ‘contingency’ and the operators at mission control were instructed to enact a ‘mishap plan’. Yep you can’t fail to give them boys full marks for understatement.

I suppose measuring Carbon Dioxide will have to wait but I’m sure they’ll be plenty left when they have another go.

I guess for now they’ll just have to console themselves with some bonfire toffee instead.

Slip Slidin’ Away …

Now that Lloyds Banking Group shares are literally cheaper than chips (53.80 pence as I write) you might find ‘The Daily Mail‘ giving them away free on a Saturday like they do with DVDs.

No doubt someone will be making money out of all this share price slaughter, namely the hedge funds who’ve ’shorted’ the stock. But for most of us it seems to be pointing the way to the fact that share ownership is a poisoned chalice.

Surely anyone owning shares these days must have a bit of a screw loose? Buying premium bonds, lottery tickets, horse-racing bets or land on the moon probably provides a better investment opportunity at the moment.

Perhaps one day admitting to owning shares might have the same stigma as admitting to owning porn. People have it, they just don’t advertise the fact. Definitely a subject changing moment at parties:-

“Actually I like to dabble in SM, the stock market.”
“Really? Nice weather we’re having at the moment …”

Share prices on Bloomberg may become something you won’t want to get caught watching by the wife.
Or you’ll be approached by a shady looking gentleman in a pub who sidles up to you and asks, “Psst, wanna’ buy some shares? It’s good stuff. Ex-Blue chip.”

Pay per view choices in hotels may never be the same again.

The Naked Trader: How Anyone Can Make Money Trading Shares

The future image of share buying?

It’s NOT cricket. Hurrah!

I heard with some interest (always a revelation to me) about the Second Test between England and the West Indies in Antigua being abandoned.

The match, held at the ‘Sir Vivian Richards Stadium’ was curtailed because of a ‘poor outfield’ which means that basically the pitch has been built on a beach.

Personally I think this is a great idea. What better way to keep the kids amused than to let them use a little strip of the boundary to build sandcastles. During lunch they could have donkey rides and sunbathers could stretch out their towels and catch a few rays before the tedium of ball watching continues.

They could do a roaring trade in deckchair hire and windbreakers for the Brit supporters. Dad could roll his socks up and put a hankie on his head and proudly watch the kids going pink and blotchy while the missus gets out the flask and sandwiches. Sounds like halcyon days to me.

I imagine that the world famous player who gave the ground its name is not a happy bunny. But then he could always say it’s actually not a cricket pitch but a golf course.

It just has very large bunkers that’s all.

Sorry seems to be the easiest word

Does Anything Eat Bankers?: And 53 Other Indispensable Questions for the Credit Crunched

Sorry ...

Well the four bankers have said sorry so can we move along now and get on with our lives please?

What!” I hear you cry. You want your pound of flesh?

Well you may have to wait awhile longer. I doubt whether they are going to be thrown to the lions just yet and I seriously doubt they are going to fall on their swords.

After all they did say they were sorry, maybe even very sorry. So that should be hunky dory then shouldn’t it? Forgive and forget. Everyone can make a mistake can’t they? Live and let live. More like live and let die.

Amazingly I still get the impression that they feel that they haven’t really done anything wrong. That the decisions they made were ruined by the cruel hand of fate. That circumstances beyond their control contrived to make a good plan bad.

I don’t think they were hiding their head in the sand and couldn’t see the storm that was about to break. More likely they couldn’t see because they had their collective heads too deeply into the trough. You tend not to worry too much about starving when you are attending a perpetual banquet.

They are apologizing because they have to. Not because they want to. There is a difference.

There’s a lesson to be learnt here and I don’t think they are good pupils. Probably because not so long ago they were the teachers.

So next time to you are unable to pay your credit card bill or miss a payment on the mortgage why not take a leaf out of these financial geniuses notebooks?
Just utter that little five letter word, look chastened (but not overly chastened) and everything will be okay.

It will be okay, won’t it?

Reading the news causes pregnancy!

There seems to be something strange going on at the various news channels throughout the country.
A number of the regular presenters are getting pregnant. Already we’ve seen the demise of Cathy Newman from Channel 4 news as well as Kylie Morris from More 4.

You’ll no doubt know about Sian Williams from BBC’s Breakfast who bowed out last week to the pregnancy bug.

So I certainly won’t be surprised when I see someone from say BBC’s News 24 who looks seriously like they are awaiting a visit from the proverbial stork.

So what’s it all about?  Has some strange chemical invaded the water coolers of our local news agencies?

Is there some airborne super pregnancy bug around from which the newswomen of this country are succumbing too?

Or did they all receive a complimentary copy of  ‘Get pregnant NOW!’ in the post and decided to follow the advice to the letter?

Whatever the reason there’s going to some mini-newsreaders around very soon and their respective mums will be able to give a very professional update on their progress in hourly bulletins…

1:00am Fed baby.
2:00am Fed baby.
3:00am Slept soundly (so did the baby.)
4:00am Kicked father out of bed to feed baby.
4:30am Had to rescue father from extremely messy nappy changing situation.

Who’s next I wonder? Stay tuned!

Remember, you read the theory here first.