Next Year’s Easter To Be Cancelled

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced that this years Easter will be the last one to be celebrated. In a shock decision it has been decided to cancel the holiday.

The Archbish. put it in quite a succinct way by explaining, “You are all a bunch of pagans who only use this holiday period to nosh your faces off. So, metaphorically speaking, I’m picking up the religous ball and going home with it.”

He added, “The meaning of Easter has been truly been lost and you won’t find it in the bottom of a creme egg, however eco-friendly the packaging is.”

So how far as a society have we come from the true meaning of Easter?

I decided to test out the theory on a group of pre-teens hanging outside the local branch of ‘Bargain Booze’.

After standing them a couple of bottles of White Lightning, I asked the question, “What does Easter mean to you?”

“Well it’s a time for celebration, contemplation and decision making.”

So far, so good.

“We’re celebrating the fact that a numbnut such as you has just bought us some booze. We’re contemplating dobbing you in that wheelie-bin and taking your motor for a spin and we’re deciding where we’ll get our eggs from. Tescos or Sainsburys.”

Sounds pretty cut and dried to me.

In the wake of this revelation some thought has been given to what this time of the year could be called in future years.

Top of the leaderboard is “Feaster.”

Ely School Tops Governments ‘Most Detentions’ List

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

City of Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire has been breaking new ground this week with it’s revolutionary crack down on individualism, free thought and supporting Manchester United.

To stem the tide of pupils falling under the misplaced assumption that they live in a free society they have bolstered up their school regulations and added a few new ones.

They now have no less than 22,000 school rules including:-

  • No production of carbon-dioxide from pupils breathing in class.
  • Pupils are not allowed to die of boredom during History.
  • Eels are not to be eaten on the school premises, especially during games lessons.
  • Declarations of independant states in the corner of the football field are strictly forbidden.
  • The Uranium-235 must not be removed from the physics lab.
  • Pupils are only permitted to waterboard each other during set hours (as displayed on the Head Teachers noticeboard.)

Their no-tolerance zero policy (I think I got that right) means that since the instigation of the new regime they have dished out over 700 detentions this week alone.

But a shocking revelation came about when it was discovered that all the detentions had been given to the same pupil, one Kerp Roofuc.

The school today denied reports that Kerp was being victimised and stressed that the disciplnary policy was being adopted equally across the whole of the school population.

An unknown, anonymous teacher said: “He just happened to be in the wrong place, doing the wrong things at the right time. Over 700 times in fact.”

We have tried to get in touch with Kerp today for a comment but he has been difficult to get hold of. The school would only say that, “… he was very busy fulfilling his scholarly obligations”, which apparently involved the use of a mop and some toilet duck.

But his Mum did make this statement: “Kerp often says, ‘I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me.'” And added, “He’s just a boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.”

But the schools unequivocal reply was, “No, we will not let you go.”

Or something like that.

Prince William admits to knee-trembler during Wedding rehearsals

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince William (and king-in-waiting-king-in-waiting) has confessed to pre-wedding nerves in advance of his wedding on April 29th.

Well who wouldn’t be nervous?

Still, he’ll have a few friends to make sure he gets there on time and make sure he doesn’t duck out at the last Royal minute. Metropolitan Police, Special Branch, Coldstream Guards, MI5 etc., etc.

But although Prince William admitted that his knees were knocking during a recent wedding rehearsal he denied reports today that the SAS were involved in making the arrangements for last weekends stag do.
And a Royal Spokesman robustly denied (so it must be true) rumours that his stag do was actually held in a small town in Libya nestled safely under the no fly / no press zone.

An un-named source was overhead to have said, “Well this guys friend has a brother and his sisters husband definitely has received information that the plan was cooked up to get one over on those newspapery scum. And the chance to top-up the tan before the wedding was too hard to resist.”

His Royal Highness was talking about his wedding after demonstrating his work as a Search and Rescue pilot on a training exercise out of RAF Valley in Anglesey. Which was handy because he lives round there so it’s not so much of a commute.

“It’s rewarding because every day you come in you don’t quite know what’s going to happen, it’s quite exciting in that sense, it’s unpredictable.

… And flying helicopters can be a bit dodgy as well.”

Cameron to bomb Libya for Red Nose Day

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

As part of Comic Reliefs 2011 fund raising events, David Cameron announced today that his RAF will bomb Libya.

This decision to incorporate the invasion of a sovereign countries territory as part of this years Red Nose Days celebrations will come as a shock to some people but Prime Minister Cameron was un-repentant.

“Using over-whelming force against those unable to defend themselves has been a Western tradition for many years, so why change the habits of many lifetimes?

Anyway we’ve managed to team up with the French and dragging them away from morning croissants is a feat in itself so we had to go for it. The pilots will all be wearing red noses to keep in spirit with the day and we promise to drop a few red noses onto the bombed out buildings so they can join in the fun.”

When asked if this was appropriate as a form of fund raising to support an event designed to help those less fortunate Cameron countered, “Tony Blair had his day in the desert. I’m going to damn well have mine. Anyway they don’t mind. It’s not like innocent people are going to get hurt. Our bombs always land on legitimate targets y’know. Collatoral Damage is a term made up by pinko-subvertists. And that’s not a red we want to see here thank you very much.”

But it seems David might still have the spotlight pulled away from him as Libya announced that they are calling a cease fire.

But the PM was unwilling to back down from such a jolly days surgical air destruction.

“Screw that, those Tornado babies are fuelled and ready to rock. After all we wouldn’t want to disappoint the British people with false promises.”

“Would we?”

Cambridge University Shock Accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University Shock accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University - A Tent Too Far?

Rumours about a possible accommodation shortage were proved to be true yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the Senate House in the centre of Cambridge.

It’s long been thought that the educational elite were suffering from a lack of space to rest their weary bonces but the true scale of the lack of bonking bedspace was revealed yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the famous Senate House. Well known as the place where students are awarded degrees and then stand outside on the pristine lawns so that tourists can gawp at them and take pictures.

But even at this late stage the authorities have been quick to deny any kind of living drought. It’s reported that during the night university officials distributed banners and slogans to make it appear that the true reason for the tented village was a protest against student fees.

Banners saying, “Occupation against fees and cuts”, “The morning. Truth or Myth?” and “Lectures are bad for my social life” failed to convince onlookers who could see from the way that the tents were placed (in the shape of a pound sign) that this was no ordinary protest. And the fact that one of the university wardens was walking around collecting rents.

The truth finally came out when a college official was cornered, plied with red wine, forced to sing around a camp fire and finally admitted that the slogans were all a bit of a sham to prevent potential future students from being put off enrolling.

In a somewhat defensive manner he admitted, “Well it’s not that bad, they have heating (pointing to a brazier and some firewood on the lawn) and it’s nice and light and airy. They just have to bugger off for the afternoon when a degree ceremony is booked. The Archaeology students had to be banned though, they had a tendancy to tumble straight out of their tents and start digging up the lawn.”

A pain in the blacked-out passage

blacked_out1

So Harriet Harman has pledged to “look again”  at the issue of blacking out details on MPs’ published expenses claims.

That’s nice.

Staring at a black piece of paper with the odd figure peeking out isn’t very enlightening.

And MPs’ could also face up to a year in jail under plans for new criminal charges for Parliamentarians.

That’s interesting.

Strange that we should have to consider our leaders as nothing more than a bunch of crooks and vagabonds (well they do like to flip their principal residence), out to screw you (the taxpayer) if they can and the need to legislate accordingly.

I think it may be along time before we can say we are proud of our parliament again.

Maybe it’s a period of our history that should be blacked out.

Here comes the sun?

Under the Weather: Us and the Elements

                 Another fantastic prediction ...

Weather , weather all together what’s it gonna’ do?
We don’t know so let’s just ask weather man Emu!

– EBC 1, Emu’s Broadcasting Company (Children’s TV: Late 1970’s)

I’m not sure if it shouldn’t be weather Emu Emu, but I’m not going to complain. I’ve got other fish to fry. (Mmm, trout with fennel on a bed of … well I digress.)

As most of us have been basking in glorious weather recently I thought it’d be nice to dwell on our obsession with all things weathery.

Apparently down in Devon, they’re not just clotting cream and whacking jam on scones, they’re busy building the mother of all weather predicting machines. It’ll be 30 times more powerful than the present weather forecasting computers. (Does that mean 30 times more liable to get it all wrong?)

To people, who this kind of fact-thing impresses, it has one PetaFlop of performance.

What the hell is that?

Sounds to me more like something that a rapid rush to the Docs. for Viagra may cure rather than something to boast about.

It fills two halls about the size of two football pitches. So obviously NOT something you’re going to just tuck under the desk.
As well as that it uses 1.2 megawatts of power. WOW! That sounds like something from the sixties where it took the electrical output of a small town just to produce a bank statement.

This beast should be available for derision, mockery and insurance claims by August. I can already imagine the cries of parents with their distraught children, trying to console their charges because of ruined kids parties.

“The bloody ’30x’ better forecast said it would be lovely!”

Likewise, I find it hard to believe that I won’t find myself sat on a beach somewhere in my waterproofs, hiding behind a windbreak, because I was reliably informed it would be scorching that day.

I think we should just leave it to Emu.