Ely School Tops Governments ‘Most Detentions’ List

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

City of Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire has been breaking new ground this week with it’s revolutionary crack down on individualism, free thought and supporting Manchester United.

To stem the tide of pupils falling under the misplaced assumption that they live in a free society they have bolstered up their school regulations and added a few new ones.

They now have no less than 22,000 school rules including:-

  • No production of carbon-dioxide from pupils breathing in class.
  • Pupils are not allowed to die of boredom during History.
  • Eels are not to be eaten on the school premises, especially during games lessons.
  • Declarations of independant states in the corner of the football field are strictly forbidden.
  • The Uranium-235 must not be removed from the physics lab.
  • Pupils are only permitted to waterboard each other during set hours (as displayed on the Head Teachers noticeboard.)

Their no-tolerance zero policy (I think I got that right) means that since the instigation of the new regime they have dished out over 700 detentions this week alone.

But a shocking revelation came about when it was discovered that all the detentions had been given to the same pupil, one Kerp Roofuc.

The school today denied reports that Kerp was being victimised and stressed that the disciplnary policy was being adopted equally across the whole of the school population.

An unknown, anonymous teacher said: “He just happened to be in the wrong place, doing the wrong things at the right time. Over 700 times in fact.”

We have tried to get in touch with Kerp today for a comment but he has been difficult to get hold of. The school would only say that, “… he was very busy fulfilling his scholarly obligations”, which apparently involved the use of a mop and some toilet duck.

But his Mum did make this statement: “Kerp often says, ‘I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me.'” And added, “He’s just a boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.”

But the schools unequivocal reply was, “No, we will not let you go.”

Or something like that.