Archives for April 2011

Next Year’s Easter To Be Cancelled

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced that this years Easter will be the last one to be celebrated. In a shock decision it has been decided to cancel the holiday.

The Archbish. put it in quite a succinct way by explaining, “You are all a bunch of pagans who only use this holiday period to nosh your faces off. So, metaphorically speaking, I’m picking up the religous ball and going home with it.”

He added, “The meaning of Easter has been truly been lost and you won’t find it in the bottom of a creme egg, however eco-friendly the packaging is.”

So how far as a society have we come from the true meaning of Easter?

I decided to test out the theory on a group of pre-teens hanging outside the local branch of ‘Bargain Booze’.

After standing them a couple of bottles of White Lightning, I asked the question, “What does Easter mean to you?”

“Well it’s a time for celebration, contemplation and decision making.”

So far, so good.

“We’re celebrating the fact that a numbnut such as you has just bought us some booze. We’re contemplating dobbing you in that wheelie-bin and taking your motor for a spin and we’re deciding where we’ll get our eggs from. Tescos or Sainsburys.”

Sounds pretty cut and dried to me.

In the wake of this revelation some thought has been given to what this time of the year could be called in future years.

Top of the leaderboard is “Feaster.”

Ely School Tops Governments ‘Most Detentions’ List

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

City of Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire has been breaking new ground this week with it’s revolutionary crack down on individualism, free thought and supporting Manchester United.

To stem the tide of pupils falling under the misplaced assumption that they live in a free society they have bolstered up their school regulations and added a few new ones.

They now have no less than 22,000 school rules including:-

  • No production of carbon-dioxide from pupils breathing in class.
  • Pupils are not allowed to die of boredom during History.
  • Eels are not to be eaten on the school premises, especially during games lessons.
  • Declarations of independant states in the corner of the football field are strictly forbidden.
  • The Uranium-235 must not be removed from the physics lab.
  • Pupils are only permitted to waterboard each other during set hours (as displayed on the Head Teachers noticeboard.)

Their no-tolerance zero policy (I think I got that right) means that since the instigation of the new regime they have dished out over 700 detentions this week alone.

But a shocking revelation came about when it was discovered that all the detentions had been given to the same pupil, one Kerp Roofuc.

The school today denied reports that Kerp was being victimised and stressed that the disciplnary policy was being adopted equally across the whole of the school population.

An unknown, anonymous teacher said: “He just happened to be in the wrong place, doing the wrong things at the right time. Over 700 times in fact.”

We have tried to get in touch with Kerp today for a comment but he has been difficult to get hold of. The school would only say that, “… he was very busy fulfilling his scholarly obligations”, which apparently involved the use of a mop and some toilet duck.

But his Mum did make this statement: “Kerp often says, ‘I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me.'” And added, “He’s just a boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.”

But the schools unequivocal reply was, “No, we will not let you go.”

Or something like that.

Prince William admits to knee-trembler during Wedding rehearsals

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince William (and king-in-waiting-king-in-waiting) has confessed to pre-wedding nerves in advance of his wedding on April 29th.

Well who wouldn’t be nervous?

Still, he’ll have a few friends to make sure he gets there on time and make sure he doesn’t duck out at the last Royal minute. Metropolitan Police, Special Branch, Coldstream Guards, MI5 etc., etc.

But although Prince William admitted that his knees were knocking during a recent wedding rehearsal he denied reports today that the SAS were involved in making the arrangements for last weekends stag do.
And a Royal Spokesman robustly denied (so it must be true) rumours that his stag do was actually held in a small town in Libya nestled safely under the no fly / no press zone.

An un-named source was overhead to have said, “Well this guys friend has a brother and his sisters husband definitely has received information that the plan was cooked up to get one over on those newspapery scum. And the chance to top-up the tan before the wedding was too hard to resist.”

His Royal Highness was talking about his wedding after demonstrating his work as a Search and Rescue pilot on a training exercise out of RAF Valley in Anglesey. Which was handy because he lives round there so it’s not so much of a commute.

“It’s rewarding because every day you come in you don’t quite know what’s going to happen, it’s quite exciting in that sense, it’s unpredictable.

… And flying helicopters can be a bit dodgy as well.”