Archives for March 2011

Cameron to bomb Libya for Red Nose Day

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

As part of Comic Reliefs 2011 fund raising events, David Cameron announced today that his RAF will bomb Libya.

This decision to incorporate the invasion of a sovereign countries territory as part of this years Red Nose Days celebrations will come as a shock to some people but Prime Minister Cameron was un-repentant.

“Using over-whelming force against those unable to defend themselves has been a Western tradition for many years, so why change the habits of many lifetimes?

Anyway we’ve managed to team up with the French and dragging them away from morning croissants is a feat in itself so we had to go for it. The pilots will all be wearing red noses to keep in spirit with the day and we promise to drop a few red noses onto the bombed out buildings so they can join in the fun.”

When asked if this was appropriate as a form of fund raising to support an event designed to help those less fortunate Cameron countered, “Tony Blair had his day in the desert. I’m going to damn well have mine. Anyway they don’t mind. It’s not like innocent people are going to get hurt. Our bombs always land on legitimate targets y’know. Collatoral Damage is a term made up by pinko-subvertists. And that’s not a red we want to see here thank you very much.”

But it seems David might still have the spotlight pulled away from him as Libya announced that they are calling a cease fire.

But the PM was unwilling to back down from such a jolly days surgical air destruction.

“Screw that, those Tornado babies are fuelled and ready to rock. After all we wouldn’t want to disappoint the British people with false promises.”

“Would we?”

Cambridge University Shock Accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University Shock accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University - A Tent Too Far?

Rumours about a possible accommodation shortage were proved to be true yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the Senate House in the centre of Cambridge.

It’s long been thought that the educational elite were suffering from a lack of space to rest their weary bonces but the true scale of the lack of bonking bedspace was revealed yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the famous Senate House. Well known as the place where students are awarded degrees and then stand outside on the pristine lawns so that tourists can gawp at them and take pictures.

But even at this late stage the authorities have been quick to deny any kind of living drought. It’s reported that during the night university officials distributed banners and slogans to make it appear that the true reason for the tented village was a protest against student fees.

Banners saying, “Occupation against fees and cuts”, “The morning. Truth or Myth?” and “Lectures are bad for my social life” failed to convince onlookers who could see from the way that the tents were placed (in the shape of a pound sign) that this was no ordinary protest. And the fact that one of the university wardens was walking around collecting rents.

The truth finally came out when a college official was cornered, plied with red wine, forced to sing around a camp fire and finally admitted that the slogans were all a bit of a sham to prevent potential future students from being put off enrolling.

In a somewhat defensive manner he admitted, “Well it’s not that bad, they have heating (pointing to a brazier and some firewood on the lawn) and it’s nice and light and airy. They just have to bugger off for the afternoon when a degree ceremony is booked. The Archaeology students had to be banned though, they had a tendancy to tumble straight out of their tents and start digging up the lawn.”