Next Year’s Easter To Be Cancelled

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

"Who are you calling Fluffy?"

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced that this years Easter will be the last one to be celebrated. In a shock decision it has been decided to cancel the holiday.

The Archbish. put it in quite a succinct way by explaining, “You are all a bunch of pagans who only use this holiday period to nosh your faces off. So, metaphorically speaking, I’m picking up the religous ball and going home with it.”

He added, “The meaning of Easter has been truly been lost and you won’t find it in the bottom of a creme egg, however eco-friendly the packaging is.”

So how far as a society have we come from the true meaning of Easter?

I decided to test out the theory on a group of pre-teens hanging outside the local branch of ‘Bargain Booze’.

After standing them a couple of bottles of White Lightning, I asked the question, “What does Easter mean to you?”

“Well it’s a time for celebration, contemplation and decision making.”

So far, so good.

“We’re celebrating the fact that a numbnut such as you has just bought us some booze. We’re contemplating dobbing you in that wheelie-bin and taking your motor for a spin and we’re deciding where we’ll get our eggs from. Tescos or Sainsburys.”

Sounds pretty cut and dried to me.

In the wake of this revelation some thought has been given to what this time of the year could be called in future years.

Top of the leaderboard is “Feaster.”

Ely School Tops Governments ‘Most Detentions’ List

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

Infringement of School Rule 19,426

City of Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire has been breaking new ground this week with it’s revolutionary crack down on individualism, free thought and supporting Manchester United.

To stem the tide of pupils falling under the misplaced assumption that they live in a free society they have bolstered up their school regulations and added a few new ones.

They now have no less than 22,000 school rules including:-

  • No production of carbon-dioxide from pupils breathing in class.
  • Pupils are not allowed to die of boredom during History.
  • Eels are not to be eaten on the school premises, especially during games lessons.
  • Declarations of independant states in the corner of the football field are strictly forbidden.
  • The Uranium-235 must not be removed from the physics lab.
  • Pupils are only permitted to waterboard each other during set hours (as displayed on the Head Teachers noticeboard.)

Their no-tolerance zero policy (I think I got that right) means that since the instigation of the new regime they have dished out over 700 detentions this week alone.

But a shocking revelation came about when it was discovered that all the detentions had been given to the same pupil, one Kerp Roofuc.

The school today denied reports that Kerp was being victimised and stressed that the disciplnary policy was being adopted equally across the whole of the school population.

An unknown, anonymous teacher said: “He just happened to be in the wrong place, doing the wrong things at the right time. Over 700 times in fact.”

We have tried to get in touch with Kerp today for a comment but he has been difficult to get hold of. The school would only say that, “… he was very busy fulfilling his scholarly obligations”, which apparently involved the use of a mop and some toilet duck.

But his Mum did make this statement: “Kerp often says, ‘I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me.'” And added, “He’s just a boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.”

But the schools unequivocal reply was, “No, we will not let you go.”

Or something like that.

Prince William admits to knee-trembler during Wedding rehearsals

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince in Libya during his Stag-do. The black masks were part of the theme for the night.

The Prince William (and king-in-waiting-king-in-waiting) has confessed to pre-wedding nerves in advance of his wedding on April 29th.

Well who wouldn’t be nervous?

Still, he’ll have a few friends to make sure he gets there on time and make sure he doesn’t duck out at the last Royal minute. Metropolitan Police, Special Branch, Coldstream Guards, MI5 etc., etc.

But although Prince William admitted that his knees were knocking during a recent wedding rehearsal he denied reports today that the SAS were involved in making the arrangements for last weekends stag do.
And a Royal Spokesman robustly denied (so it must be true) rumours that his stag do was actually held in a small town in Libya nestled safely under the no fly / no press zone.

An un-named source was overhead to have said, “Well this guys friend has a brother and his sisters husband definitely has received information that the plan was cooked up to get one over on those newspapery scum. And the chance to top-up the tan before the wedding was too hard to resist.”

His Royal Highness was talking about his wedding after demonstrating his work as a Search and Rescue pilot on a training exercise out of RAF Valley in Anglesey. Which was handy because he lives round there so it’s not so much of a commute.

“It’s rewarding because every day you come in you don’t quite know what’s going to happen, it’s quite exciting in that sense, it’s unpredictable.

… And flying helicopters can be a bit dodgy as well.”

Cameron to bomb Libya for Red Nose Day

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

Get one of these and your Red Nose Day will go with a bang

As part of Comic Reliefs 2011 fund raising events, David Cameron announced today that his RAF will bomb Libya.

This decision to incorporate the invasion of a sovereign countries territory as part of this years Red Nose Days celebrations will come as a shock to some people but Prime Minister Cameron was un-repentant.

“Using over-whelming force against those unable to defend themselves has been a Western tradition for many years, so why change the habits of many lifetimes?

Anyway we’ve managed to team up with the French and dragging them away from morning croissants is a feat in itself so we had to go for it. The pilots will all be wearing red noses to keep in spirit with the day and we promise to drop a few red noses onto the bombed out buildings so they can join in the fun.”

When asked if this was appropriate as a form of fund raising to support an event designed to help those less fortunate Cameron countered, “Tony Blair had his day in the desert. I’m going to damn well have mine. Anyway they don’t mind. It’s not like innocent people are going to get hurt. Our bombs always land on legitimate targets y’know. Collatoral Damage is a term made up by pinko-subvertists. And that’s not a red we want to see here thank you very much.”

But it seems David might still have the spotlight pulled away from him as Libya announced that they are calling a cease fire.

But the PM was unwilling to back down from such a jolly days surgical air destruction.

“Screw that, those Tornado babies are fuelled and ready to rock. After all we wouldn’t want to disappoint the British people with false promises.”

“Would we?”

Cambridge University Shock Accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University Shock accommodation Shortage

Cambridge University - A Tent Too Far?

Rumours about a possible accommodation shortage were proved to be true yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the Senate House in the centre of Cambridge.

It’s long been thought that the educational elite were suffering from a lack of space to rest their weary bonces but the true scale of the lack of bonking bedspace was revealed yesterday when tents appeared on the lawns of the famous Senate House. Well known as the place where students are awarded degrees and then stand outside on the pristine lawns so that tourists can gawp at them and take pictures.

But even at this late stage the authorities have been quick to deny any kind of living drought. It’s reported that during the night university officials distributed banners and slogans to make it appear that the true reason for the tented village was a protest against student fees.

Banners saying, “Occupation against fees and cuts”, “The morning. Truth or Myth?” and “Lectures are bad for my social life” failed to convince onlookers who could see from the way that the tents were placed (in the shape of a pound sign) that this was no ordinary protest. And the fact that one of the university wardens was walking around collecting rents.

The truth finally came out when a college official was cornered, plied with red wine, forced to sing around a camp fire and finally admitted that the slogans were all a bit of a sham to prevent potential future students from being put off enrolling.

In a somewhat defensive manner he admitted, “Well it’s not that bad, they have heating (pointing to a brazier and some firewood on the lawn) and it’s nice and light and airy. They just have to bugger off for the afternoon when a degree ceremony is booked. The Archaeology students had to be banned though, they had a tendancy to tumble straight out of their tents and start digging up the lawn.”

The Tudors: Fiction, History or Ficstory?

The Tudors: Fiction, History or Ficstory?

The Tudors: Would you want to meet them down a dark alley?

Well, if you’re a fan of The Tudors (and I definately am) then you’ll have not missed last nights ‘slaughterhouse’ episode. This was the one where the producers dramatically reduced, quite literally, the head count of the actors / actresses on their payroll.

As for whether any of it was historically accurate or not? To paraphrase the bard, “Fact or History? That, matey, is the question.”

The Wikipedia entry for The Tudors states:

Events in the series differ from events as they actually happened in history. Liberties are taken with character names, relationships, physical appearance and the timing of events.

Ah well, they haven’t fiddled with too much then.

To be honest it’s all a damn good, Carry On style romp and I would hazard a guess that if a true historical fact slipped in here and there it was more of an accident than intentional. I’m sure the company making this programme on the end credits was called “MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Productions.”

The list could probably go on for pages and pages but some highlights of The Tudors are:-

  • The fact that King Henty VIII (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers) doesnt’t appear to age much. Apart from a little distinguished greying around his still luscious locks that is.
  • He doesn’t seem to be very portly as popularly displayed in other portrayls AND the history books. Either that or he is wearing the World’s best girdle.
  • The famous damaged leg appears to miraculously heal itself and then re-appear again week by week and even during an episode.
  • All of his wives are beautiful even though the contempory pictures of them show them as looking well, pretty ugly really.

But that’s alright. You can’t let some boring, stuffy textbook facts get in the way of nudity coupled with a liberal helping of good old Tudor rumpy, pumpy.

And I was particularly impressed with the fact that they were able to get one last nude scene in for Lady Katherine (played by Tamzin Merchant) while she was practiscing putting her head on the block in her cell in the Tower.

That was inspired!

“Naked Beheading”, it should be a Saturday night game show!

But this fine piece of factless fiction does have gorgeous costumes, amazing jewellery and stunning sets.

So, The Tudors: Fiction, History or Ficstory?

Who cares?

If you wanna’ know the truth, go read a book or watch David Starkey on the History Channel.

Now where did I put my codpiece ….

Murder on the Ice Floor?

Murder on the Ice Floor

On the ice no-one can hear you scream ...

So, it looked like Jason was going to get the sack from Dancing On Ice (well, depending on which newspaper you read).

But now, praise the Lord and pass the glitter. It looks like he’ll be able to brighten up the contestants evenings for a good while yet.

I’m not saying he needs to be careful when walking down dark alleys or that he shouldn’t be looking over his shoulder every five seconds. What I am saying is he just needs the odd platoon of Paras to accompany him when he takes his seat at the judges desk.

I’m reckoning that the reason he has taken to wearing that flat cap on this series is that he’s got a Beretta snuck under there. You can never be to careful when you’re making enemies and pissing-off people.

Still, it all makes for good television and I’ll bet the producers are rubbing their wallets in glee at the publicity (and of course, the revenues) that all this Ice Storm is generating.

And if they have to adopt airport style security and pat down the contestants, the audience AND the judges before allowing them into the studio then so be it. Just open the studio doors a little earlier thats all.

Apparently the song contestant Kerry Katona (an earlier Jason victim) is dancing to this week is The First Cut Is The Deepest.